Art of Inner Listening and Listening to Others. The poverty of praise and wisdom of appreciation
Expansion on talk on retreat in the Waldhaus, Germany in April 2025
Theme of this afternoon’s talk is the Art of Listening, inner and outer, with a reflection on the profound significance of appreciative joy.
We live in a phenomenal world where we absorb a huge amount of communication, via social media, daily media, other devices and share views and information with each other. Conveniences for communication exist at the global and personal levels. Why aren’t we happy? Why does TikTok, Instagram, Facebook and other platforms have such an unhealthy impact on people’s state of mind, especially those vulnerable to such input?
Evolution provides us with the opportunity to make use of our sense organs including eyes and ears. We have two eyes above the nose, a mouth beneath our nose and two ears on the side of their head. It occurred to me; we have two ears -one to accommodate praise and one to accommodate blame. Much space exists between our ears. We have the potential to listen to the deep.
On Praise and Appreciation
A significant difference reveals between praise and appreciation. English language does not convey the difference. The two words seem similar but are dissimilar in the way the Buddha spoke of them. Praise is the tendency to generate a pleasant feeling and view with an intention or not to build up the self of the person, often feeding the needy ego.
Success in building up the ego sews the seed for a crash, a collapse of the self because of projection. Praise doesn’t support another. The projection deceives the self, which identifies with the projection – either for or against. Sports stars, film stars, television stars and all the other stars live in a world of dependency on praise. Australian citizens say the tall poppy gets cut down. Media sees to that to increase viewer rating and readership.
Same thing happens in the spiritual world with the building up of gurus, spiritual teachers, sometimes via a flowery language about the leader’s enlightenment, wisdom and compassion. A leader becomes a new messiah. These are wild projections of the mind. Sometimes we are on the receiving end of all this.
When I hear or read bucket loads of praise, the first thought that comes to my mind is: “This view will reverse to the opposite within a year and a day.” We receive conditional love and glowing attention. Then we don’t live up to expectations. The follower will experience a severe disappointment followed by a crash in trust.
From Praise to the Judgemental Mind
Here is a story from a decade ago of the problem over a minor incident. I won’t mention the name of the teacher. He had been teaching for decades. One of his students thought he was the cat’s whiskers – fully liberated. Engaged in the mindful work period, the student spotted the teacher. eating muesli while reading the New York Times in the staff dining room. Later in the day, he came for the 1-1. “How can I trust anymore a teacher like that? He teaches mindfulness while eating his breakfast and reading the newspaper.”
I said to him, “Thank you for your openness and honesty about what you’re experiencing. I want to share something with you.’ When I’m at home, I sometimes eat my breakfast, read The Guardian newspaper AND listen to the morning news on the radio at the same time. What’s the problem?”
If we have lofty expectations, we can’t see the human being any longer – a confirmation of our being out of touch with the real world. Idealism means our mind has become caught up in the view of how other people in authority should be. In observation of another, you have a primary question, Does this person recognise an area of imperfection in themselves and seek to change it or in denial? You look at the outcome to make a judgement. Be patient. If blame continues, you will need to ask yourself: “Am I clinging to the past?”
Dismissing the teacher, the person says: “I lost my teacher.” You didn’t lose the teacher. You rejected the teacher with possibly sound grounds to reject the person. If so, find another teacher(s). If the teacher withdrew from you, then you lost the teacher. Teaching comes first. I would hesitate to reject a spiritual teaching.
Teacher and practitioner share one thing in common – imperfections. Buddha Dharma does not offer the goal of perfection of the mind. This is an unrealistic expectation upon a human being. If you cannot accommodate a teacher’s imperfections, then listen to different teachers without a primary teacher.
The person who is praised to the skies cannot live up to praise and associated positive projections, expressed or not. Be careful who you think the world of. Do not confuse positive projections with love. Your blind devotion says more about you than about the person you invest with such significance. This happens a lot including with figures of authority.
The teachings encourage us to explore praise heaped upon us or praise we heap upon another. Exaggerated praise will produce exaggeration blame. Praise sews the seed for blame. The other person may stick in your mind for a long time due to an unresolved negative perception.
Appreciation – a different dimension
Appreciation reveals a different dimension from praise since it is free of projection and the judgemental mind. We express appreciation in specific ways. Mudita, the Pali word for appreciative joy, requires you to be specific about what you appreciate in another or organisation and you state it. For example, you see someone reading the New York Times or The Guardian. By the way, I regard both newspapers as often being trapped in a dreadful liberal, eel wriggling ideology, out of touch with a firm vision about what it means to inform readers.
A person reads an insightful article in such a newspaper. The reader acknowledges the article’s importance, which reveals appreciative joy. If the response is deep, it will lead to a wise development or change in views in daily life. We can appreciate one aspect of the newspaper and criticise another aspect. I still subscribe to the online edition of both newspapers. Others might look elsewhere. Know another as much as yourself.
We appreciate what others offer us, such as the person who listens to us and shows a deep concern for our wellbeing. Their voice, their words recognise what is beautiful about us with their thoughtful criticisms benefitting us. We learn from recognition and appreciation from others. Never be silent about different expressions of appreciation. Receive love and express love through appreciation, not praise.
Appreciative Joy – Abiding with God
State what you appreciate. Be specific. Never underestimate the power of your words, a written note, a hug, a gift or other ways to communicate. You nourish the heart and mind of others just as food nourishes the human body. Appreciation is an indispensable nourishment for the whole being. If we don’t hear appreciation, reject it or don’t listen, our hearts will wither, our feeling life will go dry.
The Buddha used the highest kind of language, Brahma Vihara, in religious terms, for appreciative joy. The word Brahma in Sanskrit and Pali means God in English. Orthodox Buddhists can’t stand the word ‘God.’ The word has become a trauma in their mind. Vihara means ‘to abide with. One who experiences Appreciative Joy abides with God (the Immeasurable). Religious language emphasises the value of appreciative joy in nourishing existence – humans, creatures and the natural world.
During the retreat, stop and notice what you appreciate. Let this appreciation nourish you and others. There is much to appreciate here if you have the eyes to see and ears to hear. Listen to yourselves. Every therapist and Dharma teacher says, ‘Listen to yourself.’ What do you need to listen to inside yourself? What do you need to take no notice of? What do you need to let go of?
No matter how much you meditate or how much mindfulness you practise, you cannot choose your next experience in the meditation hall. You cannot go deep and choose an experience to show you are abiding with God, nor choose to have a deep meditation in the next sitting. Meditators can walk into the meditation room 1,000 times and still not have a deep meditation.
The posture seems perfect. Your knees no longer hurt and your mind rarely wanders. Does this guarantee depth of experience and depth of appreciate joy? No. Awareness, interest, receptivity, energy, intention also contribute to depth of experience. Stay humble.
Joyful Experience leading to release of unresolved issues
Depth comes to you, an emergence. I received a call from a person on heavy-duty medication for years for mental health reasons. She wishes to wean herself off the drugs. Her psychiatrist will give her support. This would be a major turning point in this young woman’s life. She attends a meditation group once every week or two. Then she called me. She said she had a wonderful evening at the meditation group but when she got back home, fears, paranoia and projections started coming out of her mind. She said, “Oh my God, I’m going backwards.”
Both experiences came out of the blue. She experienced a precious evening of meditation, full of calm, clarity and wellbeing. She went to bed, only to experience much fear. Precious experiences, important and healthy, can release painful experiences having nothing to do with the original joyful appreciation.
It’s difficult to see the second experience as a sign of health. That experience was no longer repressed into the dark of the mind. This is the healthy aspect. Be prepared for such a release and let it pass through consciousness without feeding the release. That’s not easy so you develop the same attitude in less challenging situations.
Depth of joy, calmness and spaciousness provide an opportunity for something unresolved and hidden to be released. For some people, the release may be physical sensations in their body. Others may express through sound, such as yelling, crying or weeping. Some experience intense emotions or bursts of obsessive thinking or all of that and more.
When you have experiences in daily life that you appreciate, be vigilant recognising the possibility of a release of the dark within. Remember, the release of the dark force just moves through. That’s all – moving through.
You may well need to share your experience with someone skilled with regard to a major challenge or join a group to help these transitions take place. You might go for a long, walk, dance, practice yoga, engage in mindfulness of breathing or meditate in all four primary postures of sitting, walking, standing and reclining.
The teachings and practices support inner listening, but we also practise listening to others and the outside world. Knowing yourself includes knowing the areas of your life where you need to apply strong mindfulness to develop calm and clarity. Know your vulnerable areas – fear, blame, anger, reactivity, confusion, worry and anxiety.
Take notes. Make time for reflection. What is a healthy attitude to listening?
Two Personal Examples of Listening to the Inner Voice
Example One
Listen to the inner voice. Develop trust. I will give you two personal examples of what I mean. I am not seeking praise from you – you’ve realised that by now. When the Covid pandemic began in early 2020, I woke up one morning with “enough” – a conviction to reduce by about 80% all international travel. In the last five decades and more, I’ve boarded around 1,000 flights and trains, not for holidays, but to teach Dharma or engage in spiritual practice.
“Enough is enough.” The thought arose I’ve been travelling since I was in my teens.’ That’s what I do. I’m a traveller.” I waited a month to check the voice remained deep. I then dropped Australia, India, Palestine and Israel. Overseas travel today only takes me to Germany.
Until late 2020, I hadn’t spent a single full winter in England since 1966. If you live in England, you’ll understand why. I rely upon donations (dana) from retreats to support myself, family and many office expenses. Such a major cut in international teaching would reduce dana by around 75%. That could be difficult to pay the bills and support the family. Am I doing the right thing? I trusted in the first voice upon waking up.
I wrote to the monasteries in India and centres stating roughly. “Thank you very much. I love you all, but I made a change and will see what comes of it.”
Friends asked me, “Christopher, are you sure?” I got emails saying, “Oh, Christopher, please come again. We miss you. You engage in such important work in Israel and Palestine. You’ve got a school in Bodh Gaya and you love the time in the Thai monasteries in India. You love the rainforest in Australia, and you have many friends here, as well as your sister.”
Sometimes, we think a step will be difficult, but if we trust in the inner voice, it proves to be an appropriate step regardless of the challenge. I don’t miss such travel. The Sangha continued their precious support for myself and the family while I increased use of Zoom meetings in five time zones, mindfulness teaching training, writing blogs and books and more.
Example Two
I have had the privilege of being in intimate relationships. Last April (2024), I turned 80. A few weeks later, I woke up one morning, with another similar thought – “Enough.”
The inner voice said, “Enough. It’s time to take early retirement from being involved in a romantic relationship.”
I appreciated my last six relationships since the 1990s. I had no thought prior to the 2020 or 2024 inner voice about such steps. Both came out of the blue. I have learnt a lot from every relationship. The acceptance of the second inner voice has opened up much in the way of time and space to go deeply into other areas of relating, exploring and sharing.
A romantic life expresses itself equally within relationships and outside of them. Let us recognise the power of expressions of a romantic life and the beautiful part it plays in inner nourishment and our relationship to the world around.
Listening to the Outer Voice
Listen to your inner voice. Take risks and take steps into the unknown. Sometimes, the voice of authority comes from within, and sometimes it comes from outside yourself. We cannot rely on our inner voice nor on another. Somebody else may plant the seed of a change or a fresh initiative within us. An old voice might say, ‘Oh no, I can’t do that.’ No, it’s not possible. I can’t give up so much.”
We need to listen. You know it’s important. Meditate on the voice. Trust and confidence develop. Things may or may not work out either way. Take risks.
Don’t be too concerned about things working out. Listen inwardly. Listen outwardly. Experience the vibrancy and adventure of life. Respond to the wise voice. I’m not talking only about only big steps but about taking the first step.
I remember my mother came on one of my retreats, which was a memorable experience in subtropical rainforest in northern New South Wales in Australia. My mum emigrated to Australia when she was 78 to live close to my sister in Brisbane. She sold her modest home in Surrey, England. I suggested she rent the house out instead of selling it. UK house prices are always going up. “If you sell it, you price yourself out of the market.”
My mum gave a fabulous response. She said, “I’m going to sell the house. If you’re going to do something in life, don’t go halfway by holding onto the past. Just do it. Totally!”
I mentioned to her it took 24 hours to fly to Australia. She said, “I know.’ I can’t wait! I love travelling! There are so many interesting people to talk to on the plane.” That’s my mum – a social butterfly.
On the retreat in the rainforst, she was the most mindful walker I had ever seen. Because of snakes and spiders, she made every step by step, fully mindful of her immediate surroundings. To her suprise, she loved the silence of the retreat.
Take Big Steps and Small Steps
Sometimes, we take a step and it’s fresh and unfamiliar — an adventure. Don’t lose your sense of adventure. Take big steps and small ones. Keep your spirit alive. Listen to the adventurous wisdom of strangers, therapists, friends and kids. Listen to creatures and the natural world. Parents are often conservative. They want us to feel safe. Look beyond your mother and father for guidance.
When I told my mum I was going to hitchhike from Surrey, near London, to India, she said, “You are 22 years old; you’re far too old to do that.” Mums often want to protect their kids.
Many years later, I still remember things that my spiritual teachers or the monks and nuns said during my monastic days in the East. Their voice comes out of the blue. I appreciate today what I heard. I also appreciate what I wrote in my old letters, notes and diaries.
Original voices make for precious listening. Noble silence makes the world of voices powerful and clear. The greatest receptivity to listening occurs in a deep love of noble silence. In absence of superficial talking for hours each day, we bring a quality of interest to voice of others. We can make everyday conversations valuable and precious. This is the art of listening; this is the art of receptivity.
During our days together on this retreat, we have the ground of noble silence, which contributes to inner listening and listening to the teachings and in the 1-1 times.
See if you can catch your first thought of the day. It could be a doorway to a liberating action.
Thank you. Let’s spend a quiet minute together.
May all beings be receptive
May all beings engage with daily life.
May all beings abide with wisdom and appreciation.
